Broken things

I'm pretty sure anyone who was following this blog has long given up on me and I don't blame them. My posts have been erratic at best and, well, who would remember this blog with such long breaks between posts.

Well this brings with it a sense of freedom of sorts. I feel like I can now write what ever I feel like and not self censor, which, as it turns out is handy given the content of this post.

So, what's been happening since my last post? A SHIT LOAD actually.. and very little of it good. Rather than get bogged down into the knitty-gritty of my life, I'll go through it in point form...

• My wife of 8 years, Lisa, left me out of the blue after cheating on me with SIMON HASTINGS (he was my friend, training buddy and clubmate FFS, AND he's married with 3 kids!!).
• Lisa has done nothing but act with utter selfishness and treated me like crap ever since with zero regard for how hurt I was. What impact her actions had on me were washed aside. 10 Years together just flushed away down the toilet like it never happened and I never had a chance to try and work things out.
• SIMON HASTINGS has threatened me with the cops if I go near him or his family, despite my never attempting to do either. He's nothing but a spineless, worthless, cheating ar$ehole bully. BTW, even after he came clean to his wife (to what degree I don't know), he's STILL seeing my ex... (go on SIMON, threaten me again I dare you! Nothing I've said isn't true....)
• My own business went down the tubes as a result of the hell I went through, leaving me so far behind financially I have struggled to buy food some weeks.
• Found a full time job pretty quick but was lied to and that turned out to be casual hours at best. Eventually found a full time job but my car broke down just after starting, leaving me with a $2K+ repair bill- I cant afford it so have no car.
• Copped 2 speeding fines, both pissant stupid ones... struggling to pay them.
• I had to move to mums place as I had no where to live after separation - this is a whole new world of hell in itself.
• After separation all I had was my clothes, a computer, a few bookshelfs, a desk and the car. Didn't even have a bed or mattress!
• Managed to slice my leg wide open with a broken dinner plate about 2 weeks before Xmas. Ambo trip to hospital and 15 stitches and no riding for 10 days. The day after I finally had my stitches out, I lightly bumped it on a pedal at work, which caused it to split open, blood pouring out, and 8 VERY painful fresh stitches. This wound then got badly infected, extremely painful, swollen and even now 3 weeks later I'm still not over it and no riding as a result for 5 weeks.
• My bike seriously needs a whole new drive train as its worn to the sh!tter- no $$$ to do anything about it - I just ride and hope the chain doesn't break on me.
• Now I need to find a place of my own ASAP - Mum pretty much told me to get out!
• I have so many debts.. I just can't get on top of any of them. New crap keeps hitting me and I never have the chance to catch up.
• I copped a pedal to the eye while trying to put a bike on a customers roof rack, and it hurt like hell and gave me a black eye. This was 2 days before NYE.
• And just to top it off, my really good sunnies fell off my head and broke.

And this is just the highlights of my last 7 months. There is TONS more shit I've had to cope with. Just a never ending tide of shit in my life and frankly I don't know how I managed to keep myself alive given the depths of depression I hit.

One night, after Lisa mentioned divorce on the phone to me, I would have most certainly walked to the train line just 50mts from the apartment and ended my life if not for the fact that a mate dropped over unexpectedly.

I spent so many nights drinking myself to distraction and crying to sleep its not funny. I took to sleeping with the TV on all night just so if I woke up, I wouldn't feel so alone.

What also really hurt me what the reactions of many so called friends. Most of my friends have contacted Lisa in some form to let her know that they still regard her as a friend and that they feel no ill will towards her. Yet not ONE SINGLE of Lisa's friends has bothered to call or check up on me to see how I'm doing. In fact, many when I've seen them have treated me like I was dipped in shit. AND THEY KNOW LISA CHEATED ON ME! Its so bad, the last contact I had with Helena (another selfish bitch who treats men like play toys and is utterly clueless about relationships to the point of laughter), even dared to compare me to her ex (who by the way she dumped out of the blue to fly up to Sydney to fuck another guy). So Helena, if you are reading this- what you did to Bill is despicable. You and Lisa fit perfectly together as friends after all. Two selfish women, walking all over whomever to satisfy your vain attempts to lead fullfilling lives. Welcome to spinsterhood ladies- population YOU!

Anyway...

Finally, I had enough of Lisa and her crap and decided I deserved better. I deserved to be with a woman who knew how to love, who knew empathy and care and respect for others. And with that, I put an end to the chapter that is Lisa Coutts. I took off my wedding ring (I had taken to wearing it on a chain as my weight loss meant it was too big to wear on my finger), I took down all reminders of Lisa (photos, etc) and the last thing I still want to get rid of is a drawing of hers she gave to me as a present with a personal message on the back that obviously is utter bullshit given her recent actions. I'm thinking of selling it on Bay but I doubt I would get anything for it. In some respects, I kinda hope it doesn't sell for much. Id hate to give her any satisfaction.

Lisa broke me. My sprit, my life, my heart, my faith in humanity and she's broken my ability to be fully open to women. She's left me financially broke too as a result of the trauma I went through. And what does Karma give Lisa in return for her nasty, selfish treatment of me? Oh... just a free top of the line race bike, free kit and free race entry for being part of the SKCC women's team. Meanwhile, I can't afford to fix my bike, not that I can even ride atm with my fucked up leg.

Life just seems to have it in for me atm, no matter how hard I try to change things.

I since started getting back out there and started internet dating and have been on a fair few dates. I've met some nice women and even had some mini relationships with a few. But I feel a gutting sense of restriction inside me that holds me back from what I used to be with women I fancy. It feels like I can only allow 50% of my heart to be given to a woman and that pisses me off. I'm scared shitless of getting torn apart again. Because I doubt I could survive a second heart break like the one I just suffered.

As time has moved on and Lisa's actions have become more and more clear to those around us, more and more of my friends are expressing disappointment in her. Lisa is losing respect and, I doubt she even cares. See, this is what she does, she fucks up, walks over people, and rather than face what she's done, and be a grown up adult, she just moves on to a new life.

As for SIMON HASTINGS, that cunt will get his just deserts one day. Why his wife is sticking with him I don't know, and I don't know to what extent she knows the truth about what Simon has and is still doing. I think about sending her a letter, to just inform her so she can save herself further pain for I truly feel for her, but do I need that extra trouble in my life?

Probably not.

Broken things